after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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