Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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