and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
