made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
