for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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