last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize