I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
