what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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