i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
