god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
