Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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