You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
