He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
