sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
