How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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