i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
