so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
