I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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