this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
