You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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