I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
