Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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