i don't like sucking hair
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
