I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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