The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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