Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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