winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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