I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
