Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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