If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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