My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
