and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize