Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
