Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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