You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
