Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
