they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
