she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
