Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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