He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
