One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
