What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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