I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize