if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Randomize
