guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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