i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
