that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize