I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
