Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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