so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
