If that was your dad, he is hot
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
