hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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