this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
