you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
