mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
