Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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