he puts the penis in happiness.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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